Monday, Oct. 27, 2003 - 5:44 p.m.

This was originally published in MASS HYSTERIA issue 1. As filler. It's a cautionary tale about revenge and dental hygiene. Enjoy!

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Once upon a time lived a tube of toothpaste. It was a sad tube of toothpaste, because its family had all had their insides squeezed out by the EVIL hyooo-mans, what lived in the place where the tube of toothpastes were. One day, after seeing its sister, Tubealina, get the last of her minty lifeforce squeezed out of her, the tube of toothpaste decided enough was enough. It decided to contact the DEVIL, and ask for some help. "Oh Lord of Badness! Prince of the DAMNED! Come to me quick, I need a hand!" squeaked the tube. "Oh, it's a hand yer lookin' for is it?" replied Satan. "Well, I can help you. All I need is your soul." The tube looked scared. "Maybe I'll ask God for help first" replied tubey, and off he went to pray some.

"GOD? Are you THERE?" asked the tube. "YES. I AM HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?" boomed God, from up. "I need HELP! My family are all dead and I gonna be next and I no want be next HELP MEEEEEEE!!" squealed Tubey. "WELL.. IF YOU'RE NEXT YOU'LL SEE YOUR FAMILY AGAIN, THAT'S GOOD RIGHT? YEAH... THAT'S GOOD. YEAH. YOU DO THAT. SEEYA SOON!" The tube was dismayed. "Hey! GOD! You... you... GOD! Ooooh... BAD GOD!" Tube was angry.

"DEVIL? Mr Devil, sir? You can have my soul now!" shouted the tube. "Oh, good..." said the Lord of AllThingsBad. "SOUL! COME TO ME!" squeaked Satan, malevolently. The toothpaste tube immediately grew horns, wings, and changed from Minty-Fresh to Onion-Festered. "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" roared the newly empower toothpaste tube, then off he flew to have his revenge.

First he went for the little girl who had squeezed his sister to death, he did something terrible to her, and she lay twitching on the floor, all oniony and dying, when her parents walked in! They screamed, and the tube saw its chance! "RAAAAR!" it rarred, and squirted some of its deadly onionrotjuice into their gaping mouths. They both started to decay, and their teeth looked just frightful!

Now the people of the house were dealt with, the tube didn't know where to go. "I should be happy" said the demon-tube, "but I'm not. I did what I wanted to do, now what can I do?" At this, Satan appeared out of the toilet, and said "You come with me now, tube. You've done what you wanted to do, and now you must pay the price for your revenge. Oh, this IS my favourite bit!" Satan smiled warmly. "OFF TO HELL WE GO!!"

The tube followed Satan down the toilet, and was never seen again.